The whole New Year’s Resolution thing feels a bit weird once you have some decent length sobriety under your belt after years of “Groundhog Day”-style Day Ones. The years and years of shame and trying and failing and morning breath like a skunk’s arse and hangover food and being mean to your spouse and swearing “Never Again” (again and again) then opening up a bottle of wine later that day, week, or month because…. because of whatever reason seems least like a lie that day…
Those days, months, years are over. I am 20 months sober.
My recovery turns at times into obsession with self-improvement. The approach of January 1st actually reminds me to relax the pressure on myself to ceaselessly improve. When everyone else is banging on about quitting everything except kale and steamed fish, you realise how crazy YOU’VE been being.
Or perhaps, New Year is just more an invitation to reflect on how I should zone in on achieving what is important to me, rather than aimlessly chasing elusive ‘perfection’ – the act that probably got me in a mess with addiction in the first place.
In my online sobriety support group from Holly Whitaker’s Hip Sobriety School, many friends picked a word that they wanted as “their word” for 2018. This year I’m doing the same for 2019.
My word for 2019 is FOCUS.
I considered TENACITY, but I think that already became my word this year. I choose FOCUS, because I’m aware I waste a huge amount of time and energy thinking about what others are doing and what others think of me and what I’m doing, and comparing myself to others…
It’s such a drain and it is my main obstacle to achieving many things. There’s an annoying part of me, very dominant of late, which NEEDS TO KNOW what everyone thinks of my plans.
So- firstly I’ll channel FOCUS by switching to an old fashioned phone without internet, so the world isn’t in my fucking pocket, to start. Second, I will take 5 mins to reflect on my goals at end of each day and organise my short term “to do list” each day, rather than constantly worrying about how much I have to do then burying my head in the sand.
I choose to focus on what I am doing and working towards doing, rather than turning what others THINK of me over and over in my mind. I’m going to do, do, do, and think a bit less. Here goes my application for a Masters with a view to changing my career entirely!! And (in the nicest possible way) – I don’t want to know what anyone thinks about that plan. 😉
Happy New Year, loves! Xxx