The Raincloud

IMG_20180519_142310Today I may be breaking one of my own rules: to only blog content that I feel serves a positive purpose. To only post uplifting stuff.

I’m struggling today. Not struggling with sobriety per se, just… struggling.

I cannot write when I feel depressed. I can’t find the words… but I’m going to try to push through the process.

After having been approached by a few old friends/ acquaintances for support and advice on sobriety recently, I was feeling pretty good about myself, like I was able to do something meaningful by listening to them and giving gentle suggestions about quitting booze etc. Now I feel like a fraud.

I am lying on my bed, looking out at the bright blue sky and intense sunshine. I can hear my children squealing and playing downstairs, having fun with their daddy, who is always solid as a rock, even though he went out drinking with friends last night (a rare occurrence- he rarely drinks now I’m sober).

So, I’m lying here on the bed, and it’s as if I have a black raincloud above me, raining just on me, invisible to everyone else. It started to chase me on Thursday, while I was out at a beautiful park with my beautiful daughter running around in front of me. Suddenly it was just there. An ugly cartoon-like cloud, dark and heavy, raining black, sticky tar onto my skin. I cannot seem to wash it off.

I didn’t go swimming with my family this morning, as I chose to spend 2 hours trying to pick songs for a recital I’m meant to be giving in a few months with a friend. This should have been fun “me time”, making time for singing, what used to be my career and dream- something I never find time to do these days. I spent lots of time trying out different songs, listening to new repertoire on YouTube.

Nothing was working for me. I felt disappointed and disillusioned…. like I’d wasted my time, and concerned I’ll be letting this friend down if I don’t pick music quickly. My family returned and I moped around while they made lunch, unable to pick what food to eat because I don’t feel like I have the energy to choose. I put some salad on a plate but then gave up eating it, ate a spoonful of peanut butter and came up here to bed to try to have a nap.

So, thanks for reading this total non-event of a post, detailing my current black mood.

I’ve been looking forward to the weekend all week.
But now I can’t be in the same room as my family.
Because I don’t want them to have to touch this black sticky tar all over my soul.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Good for you for writing honestly about your feelings! Feeling low does not mean you have failed and it does not make you a fraud or any less helpful to others. All it means is you are human. Hope you feel better soon. ā¤ļø

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    1. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, lovely! The clouds do pass- feeling good again now! The challenge is letting some days just be bad days without fighting too much or giving in too much. Allowance, I suppose xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello Violet.

    Thanks for following my blog. I hope you find it helpful and encouraging. Let me know if you have a question about recovery, sobriety, faith, etc.

    I know and remember how tough early sobriety can be. I never knew I suffered from clinical depression until several years into recovery. Perhaps that was God (as I understand Him, of course) giving me time to sort things out prior to letting me know I had more going on inside me than I was originally aware of. I dunno for sure, but I do know that without Him I wouldn’t be alive today. I am grateful for each day that He gives me, because it gives me more time to work on me and my relationship with Him. And Lord knows I need all the time I can get, because I’m not as quick at catching on as I once thought I was. šŸ™‚

    Thanks for being willing, honest, and open enough to share your journey with all of us. That takes a lot of courage and strength, no doubt. Keep moving forward, one day at time, one step at a time.

    Your new friend in recovery,

    Karl

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    1. Thanks for your lovely message, Karl. It’s so good to connect with other people in recovery and on their own paths of self-discovery (hmmm.. accidental rhyming!)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. How are you feeling today lovely?

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    1. Ah, loads better, thank you! The clouds usually pass. Thank you for asking. I actually have come down with a cold (it’s fine though)- I often find I get awful moods just before I get sick .Stupidly sensitive!

      Liked by 1 person

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